Anyways, it started Sunday night when we noticed Mabel wouldn't jump up on the bed. Despite incessant coaching on my part she kept refusing and we immediately knew something was up. She never ever refuses a chance to be on the furniture and so (enter stage right) began my panic. Here we were supposed to be going to sleep but all I could think of were the thousand and one terrible things that could be wrong with her. Don't you just love anxiety? It comes at the best times. The next morning (after a terrible night's sleep may I add) she was still hobbling around so I called the vet & got an appointment early that morning. I couldn't eat that morning, the whole drive there I was freaking out (in my head, mind you) about all the things that could be wrong with her. After 5 minutes of examining her the vet looked at me and said "I think there's a tear in her cruciate ligament" and you know what? I didn't fall out of my chair, I didn't scream bloody murder, it was just like "ok, so what do we do now?" It is what it is and I'm ok. It was like this strange, "divine" (wink, wink) kind of peace came over me. So much of my anxiety had been wrapped up in the scary unknown, the what ifs, the make believe scenarios I'm so good at conjuring up. But the truth is even when the worst happens (p.s I realize there are way worse things that happen in life than this, it's just my current situation), God is still there, he didn't forget me, this doesn't surprise him.
The funny thing is our pastor had just talked about all of that stuff the day before. And here I was taking notes, nodding in agreement, not knowing the very next day I would need those reminders. My dad called that morning just to check in (again with the divine appointments) and one of the things he said to me was "Well when those kinds of things happen to me I like to ask, Ok God, what are you trying to teach me here?" Instead of wallowing in self pity and complaining about how much this stinks, I can still choose to praise God. Be upset, grieve, sure. But gaining a deeper trust in God through this experience is hopefully what I'll take away. I certainly don't do this perfectly. In fact last night as I was laying on the couch sobbing because this sub zero weather is awful, I can't eat dinner because of pregnancy heartburn, and my dog has a torn ACL, my sweet compassionate three year old left the dinner table to come over, give me a hug & say, "It's ok mommy."
And she's right. Not because of me, not because "all's well that ends well," because God is still in control and my hope is in Him. Yesterday I mentioned a few hopes I have for this blog, one I didn't mention but hope to write more on is the affect anxiety has had on my life. Can I just say I hate anxiety/worry/panic attacks? Over the past few months I've met several people with similar struggles so I figure it might be time to talk about it. Again, not because I'm some kind of expert or have it all figured out, but I think we need to talk about it. Fear has held me captive for far too long. And it's a new year after all :).