Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Jars of Clay

I have a confession to make: I'm a self-diagnosed perfectionist.  I've known it for a LONG time but I've just recently decided to make it public.  It's probably why (read: it is why) I haven't blogged in almost two months.  Every time I sit down to blog I struggle to know what to write about and then I convince myself no one cares anyway so why waste my time.  It takes me 10x longer than a normal person to write a short post because I type something and then delete it (like I'm doing now) at least 5 times per sentence. Heaven forbid it not sound right or gasp, have a typo! 

In all honesty though, I'm kind of a hot mess or an oxymoron rather.  In small group settings I've been known to be honest to a fault, at least in most areas of my life, but there are so many other parts of my life I think I might die if someone really knew about.  All because, gasp (note the dramatic turn this post is taking), they might see that I'm not so perfect after all.  I feel like Nic has to give me the 'ole "You're not perfect and nobody expects you to be" speech at least once a month and each time he says it I die a little bit more inside (love you babe-keep it up because I need it). 

I've been going through a bible study on 2 Corinthians and yesterday I read "During New Testament times, clay pots were big business.  Since each jar of clay was handmade, it was inevitable that it had some cracks.  Everyone knew about the cracks.  But since it was big business, the people selling the clay pots would cover the cracks with wax.  It was all a game.  Like those pots we're handmade by God, completely unique.  But since we live in a fallen world, some cracks are inevitable.  In other words, everyone knows about the cracks ."  Imagine my dismay when I read on to see "That's because people don't need to see how perfect Christians are; they need to see how powerful God is (Partow, 2003)."

Really?  You mean somebody else, besides Nic of course, knows I'm not perfect after all?  I'd love to say reading this gave me ultimate freedom from the back breaking weight of perfectionism, but it didn't.  In fact I think I could've written a 5-page paper on why this doesn't apply to me after reading it.  As much as I hate to admit it though, it's true, I'm not perfect, and apparently I'm the last person in the world to know it. 

Obviously I'm exaggerating a bit but if you watched the way I act sometimes, you'd say I lived as if I believed this was true.  Thus begins my quest: my quest to be more honest with myself and to tear down the wall that years of perfectionism has built between me and the world.  My hope is through blogging a bit more, I can document the journey.  I do certainly believe that there is a line between being honest and sharing too much that you must walk tightly at times.  But it's time to let you in on what goes on in this crazy mind of mine and not just put my best foot forward all the time.  Hang on, it's a little crazy in there!

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